Want
On a recent family walk, we came across the cutest thing. In the hollow at the bottom of a tree, there was a little gnome with a sign to make a wish. Andrew and I told the kids that they needed to think of a wish to give to the gnome, but they couldn’t tell anyone what it was. It reminded me of a blog post I read from another coach where she talked about how her and her then-toddler aged daughter passed a “wishing fountain” on their walks. She found it fascinating that her two year old daughter had such a hard time coming up with a wish. She had pretty much everything she needed, including her stuffed animal who had come along for the walk. I smiled as I watched this happen live with my two and five year old.
I also thought about what wish I would give to that gnome. As I’ve been going through life and intending to allow it to unfold without judgment, there are so many wants that come up. They come so frequently that Andrew and I even make fun of it by pointing at new motorcycles, cars, massive five car garage homes, you name it. We have this thing where we turn into toddlers and just point and say “WANT!!!” We do it because it’s funny, but really, that’s all our mind is screaming.
Having spent the better part of my life wanting things, I came to the conclusion that I wished—to be without want. Or, in other words, I wanted to not want. How’s that for a mind pretzel? After stepping back from my mind’s tiny little corner of the world, I can now see that it looks like the thing is what I want. But I really just want the want to go away. Or urge, desire, craving. Which is what countless self-help books have tried to teach me for years. I’m a slow learner.
So how do I make the “want” go away now that I’m all “woke” about it? Right now, I intend to just let the wants be. Not ignoring, distracting, playing mental tug-of-war, telling myself I’m an ungrateful brat for drooling over an outdoor living room when I’m lucky to have a job and roof over my head. Just getting curious about letting it come through, noticing the tightness, the mental image of a toddler kicking and screaming. Sitting in my whole body as it tenses up. Listening to the stories my mind tells. Without judgment. As if it’s happening to someone else. Because I am noticing it, but it’s not me. Again, this is what many people smarter than myself have been saying for millenia. We aren’t our thoughts, we are just the observer, etc. I think what changed is that I didn’t force myself to see it someone else’s way. I didn’t give myself homework, install an app to track how many urges I “overcame,” journal about it every time, meditate in a special place with affirmations. I told myself “just see what happens.” If I give myself the thing, then I’m ruining the fun of the experiment.
I had resisted this whole idea for so long because it came off as holier-than-thou to me. Like “oh, look at me, I’m so enlightened and I don’t have wants anymore.” (Because obviously everything anyone says, does, or writes is a personal attack on ME, right)? It was just my judgment talking. I had to look in another direction for a while for it to really sink in for me. Maybe it sounds judgmental to you too. That’s ok. Just see what happens when you drop the judgement. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that you can’t ever give in to a craving/want, or have goals. Just see what happens when you let it sit for a while.
And eventually, the wants should come in less frequency and with less intensity once I stop giving the mind/ego/screaming child what it wants. (Shocking and life-altering, I know). Then I’ll be more likely to stay in my default factory settings state of a peaceful, problem-free self. Which is all I was really trying to get to in the first place. At least that’s the hypothesis. For now, I’ll just stay open, have fun with it, and enjoy these last few Christmases of Santa’s wish list being relatively short.
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