My daughter, Catherine, is in kindergarten and goes to a day care on non-school days. There’s no actual school now because, well, 2020. Interestingly, on the last day of this unprecedented year (probably the most overused word to describe it), she hit me with some wisdom. She was telling me about a girl who told her that she needs new shoes because hers are worn out. Andrew and I tensed up, having a secret sidebar conversation that “it was beginning” and bracing ourselves for the Mean Girl days ahead. We told her that it wasn’t kind of her friend to say this, and that Catherine should tell her that she likes her shoes and it doesn’t matter what she thinks. (There were other ideas we had, of course, but we refrained from mentioning those that would defeat the “be kind” purpose.)
While we were in the car on the way to day care, I asked Catherine how old her friend was. She told me that her friend was in first grade, one year older than her. Then, without missing a beat, she said: “Mommy, she should know better than to say my shoes are worn out. She’s in first grade. They’re just worn out. It doesn’t mean I can’t use them and that they aren’t good.”
Where’s the head exploding emoji when you need it?
Here’s how it landed with me: kids think us grown-ups should know how to think and act. As parents, we bend over backwards to make sure our kids get the best education possible. Beg, plead, bribe, and cajole them to put on their shoes, get ready, hurry up, do as we say. Follow your teacher’s directions. Do your work. Be a good student. The way I see it, somewhere along the line, kids seem to learn that who they were before all this conditioning isn’t good enough.
Please don’t get me wrong here. I’m not one of those mommy bloggers who posts that you shouldn’t tell your toddler to “hurry up” and get them conditioned for the real world. It’s unrealistic and ignorant of all the demands placed on us parents with busy schedules (heaven forbid we hold down a job on top of it). I also know that her friend was just modeling behavior and thinking patterns she may have picked up from her peers. I highly doubt her parents drilled into her that she needed to talk critically about other kids’ clothing. My Catherine won’t be immune from this, either. It will be my job to guide her toward the good stuff (like the whole getting ready in the morning and making sure we are prepared for the day), while letting the crap pass on by (the “I need to tear down others to make myself look good/be accepted” stuff).
It wouldn’t be a new year without me trying to set some kind of intention from this for myself, as well.
Just like it’s a process for kids to learn how to be good students and citizens, it’s a process for me to let go of all the crap I picked up along my own learning journey. I’m looking forward to settling into who I am beneath all the garbage programming I may have picked up long ago. Hopefully this will lead to some big change and make self-destructive habits fall away on their own. After all, I’m a grown up. I should know better.
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